The Bewildered Housewife

Is that how you spell “deux?”

 Today is Day Three of the Ultimate Cleanse.  My husband and I decided we needed a good scrub for our innards, but he abandoned the product last night.  Tummy is just too sensitive.  I, on the other hand, am continuing en force and I’m glad I’ve stuck it out thus far.  My intestines are slowly - slowly - giving up the ghost.  Actually, it’s more like a gaggle of spooky spectors, but you get the idea.

I’ve been hearing about this product for years but had always been reluctant to pass an alien mass from my bum.  These past few weeks - nay, these past two MONTHS - have been brutal to an already sensitive system.  In fact, it started with Thanksgiving dinner at my mother in law’s house.  I took one look at the dinner table and knew that the entire holiday was not going to be pretty.  Yam souffle - as in, yams whipped with what, cream and sugar?  Creamed corn?  Sausage stuffing?  Gravy made with starch and flour?  Sure, I’ll have seconds!

 …and thirds and fourths and fifths, only those were coming out the other end.  My mother in law’s cooking is just the gift that keeps on giving.

Since then I just haven’t been the same.  It was like a sonic boom of processed food that sent my system spiraling in another direction that I am only now, with the aid of copious amounts of vita-pills, beginning to stabilize from.  Add christmas baking, sour cream dips (oh god) and thoroughly hydrogenated chips to the mix, and you might just stop me on the street and ask me what my due date is.

 Because that’s how my belly looks: impregnated circa oh, say, October or so.  Only, it’s not.  It would be charming if it was, because that’s exactly what my husband and I are trying to achieve.  Only, we haven’t yet and I am still thinking about buying some maternity tops to hide this basketball I seem to be carrying around above the button of my skinny jeans.

What I like about the Ultimate Cleanse is that you don’t have to fast or follow a severely restricted diet.  Probably it would be best if one did, but it seems to do the trick on its own.  I’ve been pretty conscious and have been sticking to mainly vegetables, fish and chicken in the hopes of helping the process along.  I definitely do not have as much of an appetite, except for the times when my odd brain tries to talk me into pizza or a burger under the flawed premise that it’s all going to be flushed out anyway.  I call bullshit and go back to my salad.

I’ll post updates on my progress with the Ultimate Cleanse, but I will NOT post any manner of disgusting photographs.  Hopefully the effects will be great and long-lasting, so that the next time my belly looks this way, it will be a happy occasion.